Can the intimacies of reality TV tell us anything about declining birth rates?

Love it or hate it, Married At First Sight UK is a fascinating watch.

I started watching out of curiosity – could two strangers, matched by experts in the field of relationships, really find lasting love? It sounds like perfect reality TV, with all the drama that comes with such a premise. As John Lyly said, ‘all’s fair in love and war’. 

The reason I keep watching has little to do with the drama, and more to do with the insight the experts provide. Coaching their clients through the process of being committed to someone in the hopes that love will grow provides plenty of opportunity to reflect on the dynamics within our own relationships, as well as guarding against some of the pitfalls. 

It’s impossible to ignore the weight of experience that people carry with them

Season Nine of Married At First Sight UK (MAFS UK) is currently showing on E4, and this time I have found myself reflecting not so much on what I can take away, but on how much trauma some of the participants hold from previous relationships, and how sad it is that we are capable of hurting each other in such lasting ways. It’s impossible to ignore the weight of experience that people carry with them, and MAFS UK lays it bare in a way that’s raw and sometimes uncomfortable. 

Watching the participants open up about their past heartbreaks and betrayals reminds me just how deeply our previous experiences shape the way we approach new relationships. It's not just about finding love – it's about unlearning old habits, healing wounds, and trusting that the experts have your best interests at heart. And in the interest of being honest with ourselves, as much as we might like to play armchair psychologist, we’re not always aware of our own blind spots. 

It’s not just the dramatic clashes or whirlwind romances that keep me watching – it’s the quiet moments of vulnerability, and the insight the experts reveal. The participants put themselves on the line emotionally, pushing through fears of rejection, or intimacy itself, and it’s a powerful reminder that relationships are hard work. But I do think that is the magic of the show; it never tries to suggest relationships are easy, even if you have been ‘matched’. 

There isn’t one single answer as to why birth rates are falling

Watching the struggles of the participants on MAFS UK brings an ever deeper question to my mind. Despite plenty of people expressing that they do want children, if relationships today are so fraught with emotional baggage and personal growth barriers, is it any wonder that fewer people are choosing to start families?

There's a lot of writing out there already looking at this sort of issue. The Office for National Statistics states “There were 605,479 live births in England and Wales in 2022, a 3.1% decrease from 624,828 in 2021 and the lowest number since 2002.”

And there isn’t one single answer as to why birth rates are falling; there seems to be a multitude of reasons. In a recent piece for The Independent, Helen Coffey took a deep dive into the global decline in birth rates, attributing it to a mix of social, economic, and emotional factors. Many, both men and women, are opting out of parenthood due to economic pressures, such as rising living costs and expensive (and often unobtainable) childcare. Environmental concerns also play a role, with many feeling unsure about whether to bring a child into such an uncertain world. 

When we talk about declining birth rates, it's really easy for us to focus on the external factors, such as those mentioned above, but MAFS UK offers a window into the deeper, more personal reasons why people are hesitating to make a decision about parenthood. 

 A rather sobering thought

Relationships are hard work, and that's without added layers of past trauma, trust issues, and the fear of vulnerability that we vividly see on the show. In today's world, mental health is (rightly) becoming a more prominent part of our conversations, but that doesn't necessarily mean the help is there for people to overcome or live with their intricacies. If healing and self-improvement have become pre-requisites for starting a family, that's not unhealthy, but it may also contribute to the decision to remain child-free. 

In that sense, perhaps declining birth rates aren't just about economics or environmental concerns. Perhaps they're also about a rising collective caution in navigating relationships and commitment. I find that to be a rather sobering thought: that we can hurt each other so deeply in relationships that an unintended consequence might be a collective hesitancy to start families, as if the emotional scars we carry are shaping society in endlessly profound ways.